Up Front Brussels - the Barstool Sports Fans entertainment guide

Links:
Union St. Gilloise

Features:
Twelve reasons NOT to go out with a rugby player
15 Reasons To Date A Cricketer
G14 Has 'No Interest' In Platini Comments
Cristiano Celebrates As Mourinho Mutters
Antwerp United: From Boys To Men
Death by Consensus
"Where Did It All Go Wrong, George?"
FC Irelande
Gordon Strachan
Birth of the Champions League
Barbarians Brussels
Its Just NOT Cricket
Here Come the Celts
Top Terrace Chants

Twelve reasons NOT to go out with a rugby player

1) When having sex, a rugby player will often mention "loosie" - even though it's not your name

2) They like to grab each others' undercarriage in the scrum

3) Not only that, but they like odd-shaped balls, preferably made of leather

4) And remember, rugger buggers like to go up and under at the end of a ruck

5) Rugby players are also well used to the blood bin - so the excuse that 'the reds are playing at home' won't put them off. In fact many are repeat offenders

6) And they always prefer a hooker to put it in straight. Well, they like a 'pushover'. Worse, the hooker may well be your man's best mate and will undoubtedly have made a pass at some point

7) Scrum-halves often try for the blind side, so beware

8) If you hear your player talking about 'high tackle' and 'studs', be prepared for a disappointment - he's talking about something else

9) And don't expect him to wear sexy Calvin Klein undies. Remember, his favourite piece of underwear is a sweaty jockstrap

10) If your man's known as a fly-half, it's not for nothing. He may well be partial to extra time in the bar accompanied by plenty of time wasting.

11) Only rugby players from the Southern Hemisphere can score in the 'Tri-Nations' championship. If he's from the North and makes such a claim, beware, he ain't talking about rugby, luv

12) Finally, rugby players will at some point endeavour to kick you into touch. You have been warned

15 Reasons To Date A Cricketer

1) They always wear protection.

2) Once they get in you'll be hit for six

3) They look for gaps and play into them.

4) They're not afraid to introduce a third man if required

5) They appreciate legs whether they be fine, short, long or even square.

6) If it starts to get wet they are always sure to have spare sheets and covers

7) They try to avoid "spraying it"

8) They can go on and on for up to five days!!!

9) They can bat on both grassy and grassless wickets

10) European cricketers relish the chance to go 'down under'

11) They know how to vary the pace to good effect

12) They appreciate a good tail-end

13) Cricketers know for sure that 69 for 2 is a great position to be in

14) They're not afraid of a couple of decent bouncers

15) And, of course, 'a full toss in the face is always an accident and will be apologised for straight away

G14 Has 'No Interest' In Platini Comments

By Marc Jahns

UEFA President Michel Platini recently called for Europe's most powerful football clubs to disband their G14 grouping and instead join a new body, the Professional Football Strategy Council.

Representatives of the G14 clubs, who look after 18 of Europe's biggest clubs, have declined to respond to the remarks, despite UP Front badgering the hell out of them.

Speaking at UEFA's tenth extraordinary congress in Zurich, Platini urged UEFA and G14 clubs to "put an end to our quarrels".

"We can stop seeing each other before the courts, we can stop making a spectacle of ourselves in front of the whole of Europe," the recently elected Frenchman said.

The G14 group, which represents 18 of Europe's biggest clubs, including Manchester United, Barcelona and Juventus (there are 14 full members and four others), supports court actions taken by players demanding compensation from FIFA if injured on international duty.

Platini has been strong in his opposition to the G14 and its tactics: "I call officially on the major and important clubs in European football to disband their elitist grouping, to withdraw the various lawsuits that they have brought before the courts, and to join together with all the other clubs to engage in fruitful, productive and democratic dialogue with other members of the European football family".

"Join us and you will not be disappointed," is his clear message.

When contacted, a G14 spokesperson said they had "no interest" in responding to Platini's comments before adding, bluntly, that "it's not necessary" to do so.

13) Cricketers know for sure that 69 for 2 is a great position to be in

14) They're not afraid of a couple of decent bouncers

15) And, of course, 'a full toss in the face is always an accident and will be apologised for straight away

Cristiano Celebrates As Mourinho Mutters

By Tony Mallett

As the English Premiership builds to its most exciting climax for years, Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo has been named both Player of the Year and Young Player of the Year by the Professional Footballers' Association.

The 22-year-old is the first to win both awards in the same season since Andy Gray, way back in 1977. It was so long ago, we can't even remember who he was playing for.

Neither can he...

Portuguese Ronaldo looked an unlikely winner at the start of the season due to the infamous 'wink' incident during Wayne Rooney's World Cup sending off for nearly castrating Portugal's Ricardo Carvalho.

But partly due to Ronaldo's genius, and a few dives - although much fewer than last season - United are still in the hunt for three trophies.

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, who has also had an awesome season, came second in the senior poll. The Ivory Coast international has stopped diving quite so much too, and has proved himself a quality player at the highest level.

Eight Manchester United players made it into the team of the year while manager Sir Alex Ferguson was honoured with the PFA Special Merit Award.

The United boss paid tribute to Ronaldo, saying: "At this moment in time, I think he is the best player in the world and his season has been incredible."

This will all have helped to piss off Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho even further. The Portuguese is considered, alongside Sir Alex and Arsene Wenger, to be the biggest whinger in English football. He is, however, undoubtedly a brilliant manager.

Speaking after his team's goalless draw at Newcastle, Mourinho claimed Middlesbrough were denied a clear penalty at Old Trafford on Saturday.

"The circumstances are difficult for us with the new football rules that we have to face," said Mourinho. "It is not possible to have a penalty against Manchester United."

Meanwhile, laughably to most neutrals, Mourinho felt that his Chelsea team should have been awarded a penalty at Newcastle.

"It is not possible to have a penalty in favour of Chelsea," added Mourinho. "We should have had a penalty, involving Stephen Carr, it was a clear penalty. I have the right to speak. I think nobody can punish me because I speak the truth and I am not saying the referees are not honest.

Statistics prove 'the Special One' wrong, however. United have had three penalties awarded against them at Old Trafford this season, while Chelsea have scored from the spot five times.

Saying that, on Mourhino's side, the challenge by John O'Shea on Gook late on in the United v Middlesborough game looked a pretty clear-cut foul.

But will someone tell the silly little man to shut-the-fuck up and get on with it, please?

Antwerp United: From Boys To Men

A match between two of the oldest foes in Belgian football, Royal Antwerp and Union St.Gilloise, is always a special occasion, writes Jon Eldridge, but for followers of the English game the fixture has acquired an added interest.

The Antwerp club has a special relationship with Manchester United and, since 1998, young players on the books of the English Premiership club have been gaining first-team match experience in Belgium.

In fact, this season's tie featured no fewer than six players from United, and the winning goal was scored by Jonathan Evans, a rising young United hopeful. Established squad players Lee Chadwick and John O'Shea have also enjoyed 'apprenticeships' with Royal Antwerp in recent years. It would seem like a marriage made in heaven: the oldest club in Belgium (known, in fact, as 'the Great Old') and the most mythologised club in England.

While the description of Antwerp as 'Manchester United 2' or 'Man U lite' might amuse rival fans, Antwerp supporters have welcomed the English invasion, according to English team coach Andy Welsh.

But he adds the proviso that the fans' support for the agreement might depend on the results of the team. Royal Antwerp has become a 'yoyo club' in Belgian football, winning promotion to the top flight only to be promptly relegated the following season. The team is currently riding high in the second division and looks set to gain promotion, but it has let slip such leads in the past.

The advantages of the arrangement for United are simple: the club can nurture its young talents in a competitive environment and allow the players to gain valuable match experience that they would otherwise find difficult to acquire in England.

According to Welsh, a couple of the lads that played in the Union match have competed in the English Carling Cup (very much the second domestic cup competition), but the Belgian league offers a bigger challenge than reserve league football in England. In the same week as Antwerp's visit to Brussels, Chelsea manager José Mourinho bemoaned the lack of competitiveness of the English reserve league, which United have won three years in a row.

The loaning of young players from big clubs to smaller ones is nothing new - United have 12 players currently playing with other teams, including Celtic in Scotland and Nijmegen in the Netherlands - but such a large contingent of players at one club is unusual. Chelsea and Arsenal are also rumoured to be seeking opportunities for similar relationships with Belgian clubs.

When a United player goes to play in Belgium, the club pays for his accommodation and has the right to recall him to England whenever it decides. The player's progress is closely monitored by the United management team. Coach Andy Welsh says that the move represents a great learning experience for his young charges, particularly the competition of a fully senior-level league. "We put pressure on our players to get results," he says.

As well as developing football talent, the Belgian venture also helps the player to mature off the field. Manchester United owns a flat in Schilde, north Antwerp, where four of the team are currently living, and the player must learn to look after himself - though language courses are not considered necessary. The coaching is performed in English, and most Flemish people have a fair understanding of the language.

One player to have come through the system, Kirk Hilton, shares the views of the management team. "It's a good life experience for them; they have to learn to cook for themselves," he says.

Hilton, 25, is currently on his second spell at the club having first arrived in Antwerp six years ago as a United player. Injuries, however, blighted his hopes of breaking into the first-team squad at United, and following periods at Blackpool and non-league Altringham, Hilton says he is delighted to be back in action in Belgium on a contract with Antwerp.

After the match against the St. Gilles team, Hilton said he was impressed with the atmosphere created by the Union fans at the Joseph Marien stadium. "Union are a very direct side and are very difficult team to play against," he said. Hilton added that he was relieved to have won the match and to have continued his side's recent run of good results.

Celebrations do not reach the level of debauchery associated with your average Brit abroad. In fact, Hilton says that he has gone out only twice in Antwerp since the start of the season. He does, however, get to go home once a month, so homesickness is not an issue. Does he observe any differences in the style of football in Belgium?

"The English game is definitely more physical. Here, you have to learn that you can't dive in!"

Can United manager Sir Alex Ferguson really be 'softening' up his charges for the Premiership? "Au contraire" would be the logical answer. For many years, debate has raged around the issue of how to progress young talent through the youth system to the senior squad. Manchester United clearly believes it has found a solution. As someone famously said: "You win nothing with kids".

Death By Consensus

By Peter G Moore

I have been accused of many things in my time. I have been misquoted, misunderstood, maligned and, perhaps most alarmingly of all, reported accurately. The one thing I am certain of, however, is that the internet, as well as what I shall euphemistically call 'a certain satellite broadcaster' has actually managed to ruin the art of being a football fan.

Rather than presenting a platform for otherwise marginalised voices to have their say, the proliferation of new channels of communication has instead sought to bring the peripheries into the centre, and contribute to the dearth of meaningful dissent.

The fanzines of yesteryear, badly copied, inevitably black and white cut-and-paste jobs they may have been, but they represented something more than an outlet for bad humour and general abuse. They were the anti-programmes, a means of communicating secretive, illicit thoughts between a select group of those in the know.

And, believe me, it was much harder to be in the know back then.

It is important to note, at this point, that being 'in the know' in this context has nothing to do with elitism. Quite the opposite, in fact. Instead, it was the knowledge of communities, whole communities, real communities.

These days, should I choose to be a Chelsea fan, a Real Madrid supporter or a Locomotive Plovdiv fanatic, well, no problem, I just sign up to whatever media giant can provide me with the games and I can do so from my own home. I don't have to have any connection with the club, least of all actually being from the place they represent.

Fanzines may just have been an extension of abusive terrace culture, albeit in a more sterilised form, but to really get what they were talking about, you had to be there; you actually had to go to the games, there was no Television-provided get- out clause.

And because football clubs no longer have that strong community base, passions are, shall we say, not as concentrated as they once were (and I'm really only talking about the big European clubs here, the ones that are on TV every night of the week), the media don't feel the need to represent the views of anything other than this new middle ground opinion.

Even before the Premiership and the Champion's League killed football, some attempt was made to straddle fanzine culture and the emerging economic power of the sport. But 'When Saturday Comes' in print, and 'Standing Room Only' on TV, instead paved the way for what we have now. They tried to be all things to all fans, and inadvertently gave the media a new presentation technique to exploit.

It wasn't all good back then, of course. Nobody could seriously lament the demise of ITV's excruciating 'Saint and Greavsie', but the very lack of constant exposure meant that being a football fan carried with it some sort of sign of endurance (or masochism), a triumph of something other than armchair supporting.

Incidentally, the formative years of the Premiership in England also saw the end of the dominance in the market of children's magazines like 'Match' and 'Shoot'.

Occasionally, these could provide serious gems of information, like the time Manchester United's Mark Robbins revealed his hero was then Conservative Prime Minister John Major, or that Vinnie Jones had a pair of football boots nicknamed "the 'Oddles" (after Glenn Hoddle, apparently).

Anyway, the most sinister example was probably former England and Manchester United captain Bryan Robson's seemingly uncanny ability to jinx any player he happened to single out for praise. This, he managed to do with scary regularity, none more so than in his own 'Bryan Robson's Soccer Annual 1989' (the same one where he argued that it was Nigel Lawson's fault that Ian Rush left Liverpool for Juventus).

In this publication he picked out the five players he thought most likely to have brilliant careers. With the exception of Gary Pallister, then of Middlesborough, it didn't quite work out for Robson's picks.

David Rocastle, tragically died young, Paul Lake, Manchester City's highly talented midfielder was forced to retire from playing aged only twenty-six, Paul Gascoigne burned out too early, unable to stop his personal problems from destroying him, and Nigel Clough, well, he just turned out to be shite.A foreshadowing of Robbo's managerial career, perhaps?

"Where Did It All Go Wrong, George?"

UP Front's star striker Peter Moore looks at the magnificent forty-yard screamers, deft tap-ins, inept cross-field passes and pathetic own goals that male up 'footie culture', then and now. And, yes, his shorts still reach his knees...

There comes a time in every man's life when you just have to admit to yourself that the modern world is rubbish, that everything now is too fast and too loud, that everything was so much better when you were you younger, and that kids today don't even know they're born.

Why, only recently I found myself in a bar debating the precise moment that football - that ever-so-trendy corporate parlour game - ceased to be thrilling, when the beautiful game mutated into a hideous old crone. Probably about fourteen years ago was the general consensus, the time when it started to infiltrate every area of our culture, and it went from being an amateur ballet to a garish showbiz spectacle.

At this point I can hear you all scoff; nostalgia, it's the opium of the age, you say. True, nostalgia is not an attractive habit, but neither is blinkered ignorance masquerading as progression.

It may come as a shock to some, but there was a time when football was a rare treat, when it wasn't shown on weekdays or at lunchtime, when the highlights weren't cut to hard driving rock music, when no one had under-soil heating, Chelsea's most exotic midfielder was a bloke called John Bumstead and Oxford United were sponsored by Wang Computers.

This was, of course, the days before rapacious capitalism devoured all that was good and decent about the sport, and agents and adverts ensured a continual demand for personal gain. Yes, there has always been commercialism in the game, but Brylcreem and Cookstown Sausages, 'Diamond Lights' and Crown Paints, were positively benign compared to today's free-for-all, and from this distance it all seems so colloquial, so quaint.

The single most regrettable aspect of the modern game, though, is overkill, the prospect of watching a game every day of the week. Where once live football was a rarity, a fortnightly occurrence, now it's everywhere you look. As a child I would have marvelled if told of this future development, as it is now I can see it for what it really is, a cynical exercise in money-grabbing. No more anticipation, just indulgence.

But the actual sport was just one aspect of the thrill. Occasionally, football would infiltrate somewhere else, and every time it turned up in the guise of a film, a tinny computer game or a comic it was like seeing an old friend on prison day release. Which is a long-winded way of saying that I remember the sheer, unbridled joy of seeing Escape To Victory for the first time.

For the uninitiated, Escape To Victory is a World War II POW flick in which Michael Caine, Sylvester Stallone and Ipswich Town take on the might of the Third Reich in a prisoner-versus-army football match. As directed by John Huston, whose eclectic CV boasts the dizzying heights of The Maltese Falcon as well as the emetic low of Annie, the film is by turns exciting, ludicrous, crass, larkish and unapologetically old fashioned, sometimes all in the course of one sentence. It's fantastic.

Football has had a bad rap from the movies, but from The Arsenal Stadium Mystery to Goal!: The Impossible Dream, football movies always manage to bring sly pleasure into the lives of overgrown schoolkids everywhere.

Take, for example, There's Only One Jimmy Gribble, starring Robert Carlylse and Ray Winstone. A shameless rip-off of comic strip Billy's Boots ("Dead Shot's boots are making me go left. Something's going to happen!"), it tells the story of a put-upon schoolboy whose footie skills are greatly enhanced by a pair of magic boots. With uplifting results, obviously.

If you think that's good, then you'll love A Shot At Glory, starring Robert Duvall and Ally McCoist (together at last). In this piece of gritty Scottish social realism (featuring a sub-Mark Knopfler score by, er, Mark Knopfler), McCoist plays an ex-Celtic big shot now playing for a lower-league team managed by the father of his ex-wife, who he's desperate to be reconciled with, and the whole thing is an extended warning against the evils of sectarianism or somesuch. Anyway, it all cumulates in a cup final against Glasgow Rangers (with Brian Cox as a thinly-veiled Walter Smith) and former Batman Michael Keaton is in it as well. It works on so many levels.

The same cannot be said for When Saturday Comes, a tragically inept vanity project for celebrity Sheffield United fan, Sean Bean, about a bloke who plays for Sheffield United. Actually, the real United had been the subject of a rather good fly-on-the-wall documentary shot during the Dave Bassett era. Cue lots of just-past-the-watershed swearing and general boisterousness. In fact, the small screen has produced its fair share of footie gems.

Chief amongst these being The Manageress about, yes, a female football manager (prefiguring the rise of Birmingham MD Karen Brady), whose soap opera antics surly owed something to Jackie Collins, whose own contribution to the football film sub-genre, Yesterday's Hero, features Ian McShane as a George Best-like alcoholic footballer, washed-up and seeking redemption, and Paul Nicholas as an Elton John-style pop star and club chairman. It's high gloss nonsense, of course, but at least it's better than Bloomfield, directed by and starring Richard Harris as an Israeli footballer who saves a small child from something or other.

Of course, no complete study can go without mentioning Jossy's Giants, the classic kids sitcom written by darts commentator Sid Waddell, about a not very good team, the Glipton Grasshoppers, who miraculously become a very good team, the Glipton Giants, after they recruit former professional Joswell 'Jossy' Blair to manage them.

I can honestly say without fear of hyperbole that it is undoubtedly the greatest programme in the history of television. There was a novelisation as well, called The Glipton Romeos, and, yes, I have read it.

Kids today, eh? Don't know they're born.

Coming soon: Bryan Robson lays waste to a generation of promising youngsters...

Best Foot Forward For FC Irlande

FC Irlande was set up in 1989 by a group of Irish expats who were playing for a variety of local football teams all over Brussels. (Some original lads still play for the over-38 veterans team.)

There are five adult men's teams, and FC Irlande is the only Brussels expat club with a team in Division 1 of the ABSSA. Teams from the club also compete in divisions 3, 4, 5 and 6 - so there's something for everyone of all ages and ability - not to mention waistline...

Sponsored by Euroclear, FC Ireland are based in Woluwe St' Etienne, hosted by KVW Woluwe. It's just fifteen minutes from town and training takes place on Monday nights at 20.00 and on Wednesday nights at 20.30. If you fancy joining the lads, email recruit@fcirlande.be or just call Paul Staunton on 0477 547 339. Players of any nationality are welcome. Check out the website on www.fcirlande.be.

According to the lads, the essence of the club is still quite Irish, ie they do like to celebrate/drown their sorrows down the pub. After away games the guys hit the Bok & Dragon on rue Franklin for a jar or three. So it's a definite case of 'blood, sweat and beers'! Other 'socials' include the player of the year awards and a Christmas dinner. Paddy's Day is also a cracking day out, as you'd expect.

FC Irlande teams have been known to go on tours as far away as Mexico, so it's fair to say that the lads are doing their bit for international relations! Fancy it? Just give Paul a call.

My Word!

Current Celtic boss Gordon Strachan tells it like it is...

On Wayne Rooney...
"It's an incredible rise to stardom; at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity." [walks off]

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesborough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions."

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself.

Birth of the Champions League

This is the 50th year of the UEFA Champions League, although it was all rather different back then. Here, UP Front's sports correspondent, John O'Shea gives an insight into the world's greatest ever club competition...

The French Connection

The competition was the brainchild of Gabriel Hanot, the editor of French sports daily L'Equipe, and his paper had plenty to write about as Stade de Reims-Champagne reached the final in the inaugural season of the European Champion Clubs' Cup in 1956.
It was Real Madrid CF, however, who ran out 4-3 winners at the Parc des Princes, one of three finals they have contested in the French capital.
In all Paris has played host to four finals, in 1976, 1981 and 2000, as well as 1956. It will also host the 2006 final at Stade de France.
The first three of the Paris finals were all played at the Parc des Princes, with a French team again on the losing side in 1976 when FC Bayern München edged AS Saint-Etienne 1-0.
Five years later, Liverpool FC defeated Madrid by the same scoreline, but the Spanish side were back in Paris in 2000, overcoming compatriots Valencia CF 3-0 in the first final to be held at the Stade de France.

In the Record Books

Real Madrid have won the competition most times with nine victories. The Spanish giants won the first five trophies with Miguel Munoz, the Madrid captain on the first two occasions.
Paulo Maldini, of AC Milan, has made the most appearances in the competition with 117, all of which have been in the red and black of Milan.
Raul of Real Madrid is second, with all of his 97 appearances in white, while David Beckham is third on 96 appearances - for Madrid and Manchester United.

Beckham, third in the list for Champions League appearances

Raul became the first player to notch 50 goals in the competition when Real beat Olympiakos of Greece 2-1 in September.
It is Madrid legend Alfredo Di Stefano who lies second on 49. Ruud Van Nistelrooy is just four away from his half century after scoring in United's 2-1 win over Benfica on the same night as Raul scored in Greece.

Where are they now? The 16 teams from 50 years ago.

50 years ago, 16 clubs set out on a journey that would lead to the greatest club competition in the world. John O'Shea asks the question 'where are those teams now?'

Real Madrid

Just say the name and there is little else needed to describe the most successful club in the competition's history. Madrid have gone on from strength to strength since winning all of the first five competitions and have lifted the trophy on another four occasions. Alfredo Di Stefano, Roberto Carlos, Zinedine Zidane, Raul and David Beckham are just a pick of the household names that have played for the 'Galacticos'.

Stade de Reims

While Madrid have gone onwards and upwards, the club that faced them in the first final have gone in the opposite direction. Despite reaching a second final and taking six French titles and two French cups in the 60s, relegation in 1991 saw them liquidated before changing their name to Stade de Reims Champagne. They now survive in the second division in France.

AC Milan

Second only to Real Madrid, the Italian's have won the competition six times. The only blemish on an otherwise successful history is their relegation in the 1980s following match-fixing allegations.

Hibernian

Hibs of Edinburgh were the first British team to enter a European competition, despite not being the Scottish champions. The FA in Scotland thought Hibs would be more successful than the champions, Aberdeen. Hibs proved them right, reaching the semi-finals. But Hibs have lived in the shadow of the Old Firm of Celtic and Rangers in Scotland and have not picked up a title since 1952.

Djurgardens

The Swedes have reached the second round since their inaugural quarter-final success. The Stockholm club have been in and out of the Swedish topflight throughout the last 50 years, winning their first trophy in 36 years back in 2002.

Voros Lobogo

Better known as MTK, the Hungarians have won their domestic league on 22 occasions and taken the cup home 12 times. But they have not been successful on the European front, with a 1964 Cup Winners Cup final defeat to Sporting Lisbon the highlight.

FK Partizan

Since the disintegration of the former Yugoslavia, Partizan have struggled to match the ascendance that saw them lift 19 league title in the old regime. German World Cup winner Lothar Matthaus coached them to the group stages in 2003, but he has since become the Hungarian national team coach.

SK Rapid Vienna

Currently bottom of Group A after two defeats to Club Bruges, the Austrians have reached two European finals - the Cup Winners Cup in 1985 and the UEFA Cup in 1996.

Rot Weiss Essen

The Germans won their first and only title to gain entry to the inaugural competition in 1955. Relegation in 1977 saw them tumble down the divisions and they now lie in an obscure regional league.

Sporting Lisbon

Part of a three-way race in Portugal every year with Porto and Benfica and winning the Portuguese league 22 times, Lisbon, unlike their compatriots, have not reached a European Cup final.

RSC Anderlecht

Belgium's most successful club are on course to become the first club ever to finish with no points from their group for a second successive year. 28 titles in 70 years, they have also won two Cup Winners Cup titles and one UEFA Cup. They were, however, banned from European competition for a year in 1984 after being found guilty of bribing a referee against Nottingham Forest.

Gwardia Warsaw

The Polish side entered after Chelsea declined to be involved in the first competition. Their last appearance in Europe was in 1975. They now play in the Polish third division.

AGF Aarhus

Aarhus hold the record for a Danish team in European competition with 52 appearances, 18 in the European Cup. But they have fallen on hard times in recent years a face a relegation battle on a regular basis.

PSV Eindhoven

Last season's surprise semi-finalists, the team was founded as a social club for the employees at the Phillips electrical company. Despite losing their first-ever European tie 6-2 to Vienna, PSV won the trophy outright in 1988, beating Benfica on penalties.

FC Saarbrucken

Although they were one of the founders of the Bundesliga, they survived just one season. They entered the first competition, as Saarland was at the time was an autonomous area before becoming part of Germany in 1957. After a period in the amateur ranks, they now ply their trade in the German second tier.

Servette FC

Grasshoppers are the only team more successful on the domestic front in Switzerland, but Servette play this season in the Swiss third division after being declared bankrupt in February of this year. Founded in 1890, they are one of Europe's oldest clubs.

Bar-Bars Need More Black Sheep

The lads and lasses at Brussels Barbarians - the largest expatriate rugby club in Belgium - need you!
The club, formed way back in 1968, runs three teams, two men's and one ladies'.
The top guys play competitively in matches every Sunday afternoon between September and May in the Belgian elite premier division - so they're pretty good. The 2nd team plays in the national reserve division. The ladies, meanwhile, get their kits on every Saturday in the Belgian national first division. But despite such success, the club is always on the look out for players new to rugby. So, whatever your standard - or lack of - you'll be made welcome.

All three teams play home matches at the Elephant pitch in Tervuren: the men's teams always play at home and away on the same weekend to maximize what the lads euphemistically call 'socialising opportunities'. For that, read 'getting pissed together'.
Judging by these photos, they know how to have a laugh. Incidentally, they are sponsored by The Pub on Rue Archimede these days, which says it all really...

The club boasts around 150 members and is proud of its lively social scene, contributing in no small measure to Belgium's position in the top five of the world's beer-drinking nations. Annual events include captains' cocktails, pub crawls, a Christmas dinner, a Halloween party, the annual international 10s tournament and an end-of-season awards dinner. Basically, it's fair to say that the on-the-field heroics are ably matched by the off-the-field antics.

But back to the rugger. The training grounds are also at the British School of Brussels in Tervuren, using top-notch all-weather pitches. Training takes place each Tuesday from 20.30-22.00 and Thursday evening from 19.30-21.30. Just turn up if you want to get involved.

The club welcomes players of all nationalities, especially Belgians, and says it provides "an excellent opportunity to learn English". Bear in mind, though, that some of the words heard on the field are unlikely to be found in any dictionary...

Although Brussels-based, the teams like to get out and about: in recent years, Brussels Barbarians sides have gone on tour to Stockholm, Majorca, Tallinn, Prague, Barcelona, Bulgaria and Boston. So, a love of travel and a passport might come in handy...

Further details from www.brusselsbarbarians.com

It's Just NOT Cricket

OK, so the Ashes series is over. But one thing that will carry on all-year-round is the fine art of 'sledging' - or insulting your opponents on the field to try and gain a psychological advantage. It's become an art form in itself - the Aussies for some reason particularly enjoy it - and UP Front is delighted to offer some of the finest examples for your delight and delectation.

First up is Aussie wicketkeeper Rod Marsh to England's great all-rounder Ian Botham. When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife and my kids?"

Then we had Daryll Cullinan to a somewhat hefty Shane Warne. As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, spin-bowler Warne told him he had been waiting two long years for another chance to humiliate him. Cullinan couldn't help himself: "Looks like you spent it eating," he retorted.

Merv Hughes: Would you buy a bus ticket from this man?

And Merv Hughes' finest sledging moment undoubtedly came against Javed Miandad. During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed said to Merv: "You're just a fat bus conductor."
A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. Cue Hughes' parting shot as Miandad walked back to the pavilion: "Tickets please!"

Meanwhile, England's James Ormond had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour to be greeted by Mark Waugh, brother of fellow Aussie cricketer Steve. Waugh said: "Well, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England."
And Ormond's response? "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family..."

And Sri Lankan Arjuna Ranatunga was not spared an Australian attempt at wit. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman, asked what it would take to persuade the plump hitter to step out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up: "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it." Ouch!

Warne again, on the last day of the final Ashes Test at the Oval, had a pop at England's replacement batsman Paul Collingwood, who had been brought into the side due to an injury to Simon Jones.
Taunted Warne: "You're only in the team because you're the captain's caddie."

Then there was the exchange between Glenn McGrath, the Australia bowler, and Eddo Brandes, the large Zimbabwean cricketer.
"Why are you so fat?" "Because every time I f*** your wife she gives me a biscuit."

But the all-time classic occurred when the legendary Fred Trueman was bowling. The opposing batsman edged to first slip and the ball went between Raman Subba Row's legs. An easy catch missed. Fred didn't say a word. But at the end of the over, Row went up to Trueman and apologised sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred," he said. "Aye son," responded the Yorkshireman, "and so should your mother."

Here Come the Celts

Sean O'Reagain explains the joys of supporting Celtic in the capital of Europe

The Glasgow Celtic FC Supporters' Club in Brussels kicked-off more than seven years ago and is among the most active football supporters' groups here.

Since June 1998, it has grown steadily and now has more than 100 paid-up members. Indeed, from its largely Scottish and Irish ex-patriate beginnings, the CSC now has strong Belgian representation, including many who travel from outside the Brussels area. Reflecting the breadth of the Celtic 'family' worldwide, it also now includes members originating from as far afield as New Zealand, the US, France, the Netherlands and Italy.

The members of the Brussels CSC have their base in the 'Micheal Collins' pub on the corner of Rue du Bailli. An enthusiastic Celtic atmosphere is guaranteed whenever 'the Bhoys' are in action on the big screen.

Brussels CSC organises trips to Glasgow each season to watch Celtic in action. We were privileged to be present the season before last to see Celtic legend Henrik Larsson lift the Premier League Championship trophy at the end of his last season at the club. It is now a firm tradition of these trips that time is taken also to soak up the special atmosphere in Glasgow on Celtic match day!

In recent seasons, Brussels-based supporters have been part of the action on memorable nights of European competition against Ajax, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Lyon and Stuttgart. The Brussels CSC was also, of course, part of the 80,000-strong army of Celtic supporters that descended on Seville in May 2003 when their team played in the UEFA Cup Final.

And we welcomed the 7,000 Celtic supporters who came to town in October 2003 to support their team against Anderlecht in the Champions' League.

In addition to watching football, the CSC has its own team, playing matches against other Belgian supporters' teams as well as visiting Celtic fans.

New members are always welcome - and there are no unusual rituals involved! Simply call into the Micheal Collins, complete a membership form and pay a 10euro subscription. www.brusselscsc.be.

Seán O'Reagain, a life-long Celtic supporter, is currently chairman of the Celtic Supporters' Club in Brussels.

Top Terrace Chants

Football fans are often the vocal equivalent of the best and wittiest graffiti artists - here's some of the best songs ever!

To Jason Lee, then of Nottingham Forest

He's got a pineapple on his head...
(for sheer effect, boy did that wind him up!)

Graham Rix, just out of prison for, well, you know what.
To the Manic Street Preachers' song:

If you tolerate Rix, then your children will be next...
(extremely rude but a classic)

To Peter Reid (Yellow Submarine)

Peter Reid peels bananas with his feet
(Scouse humour par excellence!)

Some true Geordie humour (to the tune of Sleepy Jean)

Cheer up Peter Reid
oh what can it mean
To a sad Mackem b*stard with a sh*te football team!

York City to anyone crap (but especially at Old Trafford ten years ago,
score United 0, York 3)

Are you Scarboro, are you Scarboro, are you Scarboro in disguise...?
(The editor was there as a United fan but nearly wet himself laughing)

To Liverpool, to the chorus of "Do They Know It's Christmas"

Feeeeeeeed the Scousers, let them know it's Christmas time...
(just very funny)

To the tune of Heeeeey Baby to make up for the last one:

Joooohn Arne Riisahhhhh (Oooh! Aah!)
I wanna knooooooow, how you scored that goal...

To the legendary Eric, during his time at Leeds
He was allegedly up to no good with his teammate Lee Chapman's actress wife
He's French
He's flash
He's shagging Leslie Ash
Cantonaaaaa...